Tie Me Kangaroo Down, Court
Producer: Irene Litinsky
(The Christa is flying through an ionic storm. Cut to Command Post. Harlan has just shoved Catalina away from the central control console.)
Catalina: Harlan! Let go! I'm at helm!
Harlan: But I see a way out of the storm!
(Commander Goddard shoots through the tubes and almost falls into the Command Post. He walks over to where Catalina and Harlan are still arguing.)
Goddard: Mr. Band.
Harlan: Don't worry, Commander. I'm on it.
(We see an outside shot of the ship moving clear of the storm, then cut to the inside as Harlan sees the same thing on the screen.)
Harlan: Thank you, thank you. (to Cat) Thank you. It was nothing, really.
Catalina: Commander, I could have gotten us out of that ionic storm if Harlan hadn't of -
Harlan: Not the way I see it.
Catalina: Yeah, well, you need your sight adjusted. Commander Goddard assigned me to helm for this watch.
Harlan: Yeah, but he was expecting smooth sailing, not ionic storms. And you know, when there's trouble, people turn and say, "Harlan Band - "
Catalina: " - stop making trouble."
Thelma: Commander, during the ionic storm, we intercepted a signal on the emergency frequency.
Goddard: Did we get the whole thing?
Thelma: No. A sudden change in course, thruster application and ion fluctuation caused us to lose part of it.
Catalina: So, if Harlan had stayed on course, we would have gotten the whole thing.
Harlan: Oh, come on. Way out here? Light-years away from anywhere? That message is probably hundreds of years old. It's probably been shooting through space forever. Thelma! Play it. Let's see.
(Thelma begins to pull up the message.)
Goddard: You know, sometimes I think you two deserve each other. When are you gonna grow up and start -
(The message flashes on the screen. It is Bova, Catalina, Rosie and Radu, only they're older. Catalina is standing at the front, with Radu to her right and Rosie directly behind her. Bova is to Rosie's left. The message is staticky and unclear.)
Older Catalina: This is a warning. Repeat. This is a warning.
Catalina: It's us... but we're... older.
Older Catalina: You will turn into Spung. Repeat. Spung. You must get out quickly. There is only one possible exit. Listen to Harlan. Left is the way to get out - right isn't. Go left!
(The message fades out.)
[END OF TEASER]
Narration: The Eye of the Future sees them. Five clever space cadets, snuck aboard an alien ship, flung through a weird hole in space, thousands of light-years from the Academy. Yeah, it seemed like a good idea at the time, but will they ever get home? Or are they forever destined to be... Space Cases?
(Outside shot of the Christa flying through green-tinted space.)
Catalina: It was all Harlan's fault.
(Cut to Team Room. Catalina and Rosie are sitting at the Minbar chess board. Radu is wrestling with one of the Christ's mechanical arms while Bova times him with a stopwatch.)
Catalina: If only we could have made out that whole message. We played it half a dozen times, but we couldn't learn more.
Rosie: Could it really be from us? Us in the future?
Catalina: Could be. Suzee and I think it's possible to send a message backwards through time, under the right conditions. What worries me is that it mentions the Spung.
Radu: (spinning around) The Spung!
(The mechanical arm "wins". Rosie looks guilty.)
Catalina: Rosie! You said you'd tell him!
Rosie: I know, but I was worried he'd get upset.
Radu: You were right. The Spung enslaved my people. If we're in danger from those lizard creatures, then we should -
Catalina: What we're in danger from is Harlan. His screwing up that message is just the latest problem. He could have gotten us killed. He's always quoting STARDOG regulations, but he ignores them when he feels like it.
Rosie: Now, wait a minute. Harlan's done a lot of good.
Catalina: Rosie, you stick up for everybody.
Radu: I'm not so sure I agree either, Cat - but I'm willing to be convinced.
Catalina: What about you, Bova?
Bova: Who am I to judge?
Catalina: I'm glad you said that. Because I think it's time we use STARDOG regulations to stop Harlan once and for all. Here's what we do -
(Cut to Bova and Radu leading Harlan, blindfolded, down the hall.)
Harlan: Do I have to wear this thing?
Bova: It's kind of hard to surprise you without it.
Harlan: This had better be good! And if this is some stupid trick, oh, oh, you will not want to be around when I get back at you.
(Catalina removes the blindfold. He's in the Classroom. Bova has a long black robe on, and Catalina is standing behind a "podium". Rosie is sitting on the bleacher seats watching, and Radu is sitting beside Bova.)
Bova: Is the jury ready?
Rosie: Yes, Your Honor.
Bova: First witness been sworn in?
Radu: Yes, Your Honor.
Harlan: Wait, wait, hold it, hold it, hold it. Time out. Just what do you guys think you're doing?
Catalina: Mr. Band. You have been accused of crimes committed against future STARDOGS. Of endangering the ship, of screwing up a potentially important message, and of being a general pain.
Bova: How do you plead?
Harlan: I don't have to put up with this.
(He turns to leave.)
Catalina: STARDOG regulation twenty-five, section one, calls for a board of inquiry whenever a crewperson's behavior is questioned. You talk about being a STARDOG, like your father? Do you have the guts to act like one?
Harlan: Okay, fine.
(He moves to stand beside Cat.)
Harlan: I plead not guilty.
Bova: You may question the witness.
Catalina: Thank you. Now, Radu. You were there the time Harlan glued Miss Davenport to her chair. Who got in trouble for that?
Radu: All of us.
Catalina: And that time he put itching powder in her uniform? Who got nailed?
Radu: All of us.
Catalina: Do you consider Harlan a hazard to this crew? Do you consider -
Harlan: You're asking him! After all the arguments we've had - You know what he's gonna say! Mr. Radu. Did you know that when you enter a room, the hair on the back of my neck stands up?
Radu: Yes. I hear it.
Harlan: That's gotta bug you, right?
Radu: Well, I'm - I'm not thrilled about it.
Harlan: Bingo! You cannot believe a word that he says because he sees us as cosmic enemies.
Radu: Is that how you see us?
(Radu goes to sit beside Rosie on the bleacher seats.)
Harlan: Hey! How can he be a witness and on the jury?
Bova: We believe in recycling.
(Catalina laughs. Harlan looks disgusted.)
Harlan: Oh, okay, whatever. Whatever. So, who's the next victim. Oh, sorry. Witness.
Harlan: But, who's gonna question you?
Catalina: (as though it's obvious) Suzee!
(Corridor. Miss Davenport turns the corner, scratching her hand. Then she starts scratching her neck. She is apparently itchy all over. Primly, she goes over to the jumptubes, punches in the code and goes down. We see her passing through them and she comes out in the Command Post, where Commander Goddard is standing at the central console.)
Davenport: (scratching as she talks) Commander -
Goddard: If you're here to ask about that message, Miss Davenport, I'm afraid I haven't had any more luck than you piecing it together.
Davenport: We may have an even bigger problem than that - I'm itching!
Goddard: Well, that's not usually the kind of problem that requires a command decision, but okay. Scratch it.
Davenport: It started for no good reason and I think the students are behind it.
Goddard: Okay. Here's what we do. I want you to get a dictionary.
Davenport: A dictionary. Um, all right.
Goddard: Then look up the word "paranoid", and see if your picture's next to it!
Davenport: Commander, you're not funny!
Goddard: I hear that a lot!
(As she leaves, he laughs and starts scratching his chest, then stops laughing as he realizes what he's doing.
Catalina: Do I remember what happened this morning during Harlan's latest stunt? Every second of it...
(Command Post. It's dramatically dark and moodily lit, with lights flashing on and off. Everyone speaks over-dramatically.)
Goddard: Thelma! What's happening!
Thelma: We have entered an ionic storm.
Harlan: (throwing himself at Commander's Goddard's feet.) Oh, no! Not an ionic storm! I'm too young to die! I'm too gorgeous to die! I'm too mean to die!
(We see Catalina shaking her head.)
Goddard: Catalina, please! Only you can handle this ship!
Catalina: Don't worry, Commander. This is a cakewalk.
Harlan: We're being ripped apart!
Goddard: Relax, Mr. Band! We're in good hands with Catalina!
Radu/Rosie/Bova: (in a cheerleader-type chant) Catalina! Catalina! Go, Cat!
(Goddard is giving Catalina a salute. Harlan is sobbing and panicking. Rosie, Radu and Bova continue their cheer in the background.)
Harlan: You like her better than me! I can't take it! I can't take it!
(He throws Cat out of the way and takes over the controls. She rolls her eyes and tosses him back out of the way.
Back to real life.)
Radu: (confused) Wait a minute. I don't remember Bova, Rosie, or me being there.
Catalina: Uh, well, you really should have been! It was really exciting!
Harlan: Yeah, yeah, sure. Why be honest when you can be exciting instead? Judge Bova, I want to be a witness right now.
Bova: Go ahead! It's not like we know what we're doing.
Catalina: Hey, wait a minute!
Harlan: First off. Yeah, I feel really bad that we didn't get the whole message. But whatever it is, we must have survived to send it! So it's not like the galaxy's greatest disaster that we lost it! And as for the ionic storm, oh, well, I'll tell you what really happened...
(Command Post. It looks pretty much the same as it did in Catalina's "story".)
Goddard: Thelma! What's happening!
Thelma: We have entered an ionic storm.
Catalina: An ionic storm! Suzee! Help! Tell me what to do! Tell me what to think! Tell me what to wear - I didn't bring any ionic storm outfits with me!
Goddard: (shaking her) Get a hold of yourself, Rainbow Head! I need someone to steer us to safety! Someone with a steady hand, a cool head, and a twinkle in his eye.
Catalina: Commander. There's only one person like that on the ship...
Radu/Rosie/Bova: (cheering and waving little flags around) Harlan! Harlan! He's our man! If he can't do it, no one can!
Goddard: Face it! We're goners!
(Harlan flips into the scene. Rosie, Radu and Bova are still cheering in the background.)
Harlan: Not yet, we're not! There's an opening!
(He changes the ship's direction with a flourish.)
Harlan: Oh, it was nothing. Nothing, I tell you.
(Classroom - real life.)
Harlan: It was nothing!
Radu: It was nothing?
Harlan: Yeah, that's right.
Catalina: Nothing like the truth, you mean.
Rosie: We were in his story, and Catalina's?
Bova: Frankly, I'm exhausted.
(Galley. Miss Davenport is sitting at the table, still scratching herself.)
Davenport: Oh, those kids! I know they've pulled another one of their childish pranks, and I have had about enough of their -
(She peels off a piece of her skin, revealing green bubbly stuff underneath. She screams and jumps up.)
Thelma: Yes, Miss Davenport.
Davenport: What's happening?
Thelma: (taking her hand) The spectral and bioscopic analysis will take a few moments. Please wait.
(After a few seconds.)
Thelma: Analysis complete. Your DNA is being restructured. You are being transformed into a - Spung.
Davenport: Into a Spung!
Davenport: I can't believe it! This must be what the message was warning us about. The commander. We must tell the commander!
(Commander Goddard comes into the room sideways. As he turns, we see the large Spung brow ridges on his forehead. Miss Davenport holds Thelma in front of her like a shield. Commander Goddard lets out an evil laugh.)
Thelma: He already knows.
[END OF ACT ONE]
(Back to Command Post.)
Goddard: (crossing the room) So. This is what it feels like to be a Spung. What a feeling of power!
Davenport: I'm so happy for you!
Goddard: I'm hungry. You hungry?
(He turns to the food wheel machine and spins the triangle. When the tube pops out, he grabs it and opens it.)
Goddard: What luck! Just what I was in the mood for. Worms!
(He grabs a handful of worms and stuffs them in his mouth, then burps. Miss Davenport looks disgusted.)
Goddard: Care for some?
Davenport: (sounding disgusted) That's...
(She pauses, then suddenly turns around, and we see she's now become a Spung as well.)
Davenport: ...very considerate.
(Commander Goddard laughs and starts feeding her the worms.)
Thelma: Commander, you are aware that you and Miss Davenport are transforming into Spung?
Goddard: Your point being?
Thelma: Nothing! Just making conversation.
Goddard: (after feeding Miss Davenport some more worms) Where are the kids?
(Thelma pretends to be clueless.)
Goddard: Where are the kids!
(Classroom. We see Radu and Rosie looking back and forth between Harlan and Catalina as if they're watching a tennis match.)
Harlan: Admit it.
Catalina: Admit what?
Harlan: You put this whole trial together just to make me look bad!
Catalina: You don't need my help to look bad.
(We see the adults outside in the Corridor, completely transformed now, and hear snippets of the cadet's argument from inside in the Classroom.)
Harlan: You! You don't have what it takes!
Catalina: If you think having what it takes means acting like a jerk, you're right.
(Back to Classroom.)
Bova: Jury? Are you ready to reach a verdict?
Radu: I believe we are, Your Honor. We find the defendant -
(The adults come in and everyone turns around.)
Goddard: Court's adjourned!
(Bova jumps up and shocks the door, blowing it closed. But the adults are still in it, so it doesn't close all the way. The kids start racing for the tubes; Rosie, Radu and Bova go right down, but Catalina and Harlan are arguing.)
Harlan: Move! Move! Hurry!
(We see Bova, Rosie and Radu in the tubes, and the adults trying to get through the doorway.)
Harlan: Hurry, hurry!
Catalina: Okay, you first.
Harlan: Will you get moving!
Catalina: I'm not going before you do!
Harlan: I'll be right behind you!
Catalina: No, you'll be right in front of me!
Harlan: I've gotta make sure you're safe, I'll go last!
Catalina: No, I've gotta make sure you're safe, and I'll go last! Come on!
Harlan: Come on, let's go, let's go, come on!
(The two of them go down at the same time, just as the adults break in and follow them down.
Command Post. Harlan and Catalina come shooting out.)
Harlan: They'll be here any second.
(Radu runs over to the controls and rips them out of the wall.)
Radu: No, they won't.
Harlan: Oh, man! What did you just do!
Catalina: He disrupted the jumptube connector signal. The tube network doesn't know to bring them here.
Rosie: So, what's gonna happen to the commander and Miss Davenport?
(We see the two adults stuck in the tubes.)
Davenport: Get your elbow out of my face, you stupid -
Radu: They were turning into Spung! Would somebody please tell me how the commander and Miss Davenport could be turning into Spung?
Bova: Could we have slipped into a parallel universe?
Thelma: Scientifically, that's the only possibility.
Radu: A parallel what?
Bova: A parallel universe. One of the infinite possibilities of reality. A universe like ours, but different.
Catalina: Wait, wait. We've slipped into another universe. A universe where there's nothing but Spung?
Thelma: Yes. Because of the scientific principal called the Lister effect -
Bova: Once we've entered that universe we're subject to all of its physical and natural laws. Meaning -
Radu: We're all gonna turn into Spung?
Rosie: It'll be okay, Radu. I'm sure of it. I just wish I knew why I was sure of it.
Catalina: We are not going to turn into Spung. Not if I can help it.
Harlan: Not if we can help it. The message. The message we got from ourselves! It said something about Spung. This must be what it really meant. It's what we were warning ourselves about.
Catalina: Yeah, but it was also warning us about you.
Harlan: It was not!
Catalina: I say, we relieve him of duty and keep him out of any decisions until we solve this thing.
Harlan: And I say you need me! Right, guys?
(Everyone gets quiet.)
Harlan: Come on, look! I know what the evidence of that message looks like, but all the evidence isn't in! Innocent until proven guilty and all that stuff! Come on!
Bova: I don't know. (to Rosie and Radu) What do you guys say? What's your verdict?
(We see the two of them look at each other. Rosie shakes her head, and Radu silently agrees with her.)
Radu: Catalina, what do you think we should do to solve this?
Catalina: Study the message.
(We see a shot of the adults struggling to climb up the inside of the tube again. They are fighting their way closer to the top. As we return to the kids, Harlan is standing back watching in disgust as the others continue to plan. Radu is subtly scratching his hands.)
Catalina: Thelma? That hole we went though during the ionic storm? Is it possible that that was a gateway to a parallel universe, and that's where we are now?
Thelma: Yes, it is possible.
Radu: Is it possible that we could retrace our flight path, find that gateway, and use it to return to our own universe?
Thelma: Yes, it is possible.
Bova: Is it possible that I could turn into a dish of tapioca pudding?
Thelma: Yes, it is possible.
Catalina: Thelma, you think anything is possible, don't you.
Thelma: Almost. It is an exciting cosmos, isn't it?
Harlan: (coming into the group) Does anyone want to know what I think?
(We see closeup of Harlan scratching his hands.)
Harlan: I'm not taking this. I don't have to take this.
(Radu goes to take his post and screams. When he turns around, he is staring in horror at his hands, which have become Spung hands.)
Bova: Whatever we're gonna do, do it fast.
(Outside shot, then cut back to the cadets.)
Rosie: I've got the message called up from the computer.
(We see and listen to the garbled message again.)
Catalina: It's obvious. It's saying Harlan left us, just as we were about to get out.
Harlan: You may want me to, but I'm not going anywhere.
Catalina: (as we see the storm on the screen) We may not be either. We're going into the ionic storm again!
Bova: Shields at level seven and holding.
Catalina: If we can just find that gateway, then... Oh, no.
(We see the screen again.)
Catalina: Two of them? Which way?
Rosie: We have to decide fast. The scanners say the ionic bombardment is causing both gateways to break up.
Bova: Shields at level six and dropping.
Harlan: Wait! I get it! The message said "Harlan left." That didn't mean I was leaving, it meant - head left!
Catalina: No one asked you! And as usual, you see what you want to see. The rest said, get out right. Which means you were wrong about wanting to go left and we should go right.
Harlan: No! When it said get out right it meant I was right about wanting to go left. So we go left, right?
Catalina: Right. I mean, We go right, not you're right. I say we go right.
(She maneuvers the controls to send the ship right.)
Rosie: Hey! The message disappeared!
(We see the adults climbing up the tube again.)
Rosie: I can't find the message. It's gone from the ship's memory.
Bova: Shields at level five, still dropping.
Harlan: We don't have time to fool around. I'm taking us left.
(He steers the ship left, as Catalia tries to shove him away.)
Catalina: Harlan, haven't you learned anything? Get your hands off!
Rosie: Wait! I found the message. Here it is.
(It plays again.)
Catalina: Maybe we can find more clues.
Rosie: I'm pointing straight up. I wonder why?
Bova: I'm touching my left antenna.
Harlan: Like I said, left!
Radu: But I'm pointing to Catalina. It must be because I'm saying that we should listen to her.
Catalina: Absolutely, and I say we should go right!
Harlan: Cat, you're making a mistake.
(She moves the ship again.)
Rosie: Hey! The message disappeared again. How can that be?
Bova: Shields at level four. When we hit zero, we'll be unprotected.
Harlan: We gotta go left.
(Commander Goddard pulls himself to the top of the jumptube and grabs Thelma's arm, trying to pull her in.)
(Rosie runs over and burns Commander Goddard's hand. He screams and falls back down the tube.)
Thelma: Thank you, Rosie.
Rosie: We've got to make a decision before the commander -
(The message comes back on.)
Rosie: Hey! The message is back on! Why does it keep going on and off?
Catalina: Oh, grozit, we do go left!
Harlan: You're agreeing with me? Well, maybe I'm wrong.
Catalina: No! The parallel universes. They're all infinite possibilities, but there's only one where we can be those future selves.
Rosie: I get it. In the message, I was making a sign with my finger to indicate that there was only one possible future. Only one safe way for us to go.
Radu: I get it now! Every time we point to the right, we're heading towards the wrong future. And if we go the wrong way then we don't survive to send the message as our older selves. That future never happens and the message never gets sent. So I was correct! Because we do have to listen to Catalina!
Bova: And I was correct because I was pointing to my left antenna!
Harlan: And I was correct, period. Except for you wouldn't listen to me.
Catalina: Yeah, and whose fault is that?
(We see a Spung tail appear behind him. His hands have become Spung, too.)
Catalina: Oh, grozit!
Harlan: If we keep changing, we'll start thinking like Spung, too.
(He starts to alter the controls, and Catalina shoves him away.)
Harlan: Cat, get us out of here!
Bova: I hear no objections!
Rosie: The gateway's collapsing!
Harlan: Go, go!
Bova: Level two!
(Outside shot of the ship going into the gateway.)
Catalina: Did we make it? Are we back in our own universe?
(Everyone is back to normal as Commander Goddard comes shooting out of the tube. Thelma helps him up)
Thelma: Are you all right, Commander?
Goddard: I - I think so. Miss Davenport. Miss Davenport! (yelling down the tube) Miss Davenport!
(She comes shooting out behind him.)
Davenport: What happened?
Harlan: Well, we, uh, we slipped into an alternate dimension -
Catalina: - started changing into Spung -
Radu: - argued over what to do -
Rosie: - managed to see all sides of the problem, and found a solution.
Harlan: No big deal, really. We just used a little trial and error.
This page created on May 31st, 2001.